A Child Called It, David
Ender's Game, Ender
Earth School Cafeteria
Ender meets Dave
During the middle of his school day, Ender was going to get lunch. As he was walking into the cafeteria to get his food, he saw some of the other students in the public school picking on one of the cooks. He was a young boy about Ender’s age, with bruises and scrapes all over his arms and face. The other boys went off to eat their lunches, leaving the boy on the ground. Ender approached him and extended his hand. Helping the boy to his feet, Ender said, “Are you okay?” “Yeah, thank you.” Replied the boy in a small voice. Ender introduced himself, asking the boy his name. He replied that his name was David. “Nice to meet you David!” Ender said. “Did those kids over there give you all these bruises?” “A few of them.” David replied. Ender dropped the subject. “Want lunch?” he asked. David said yes. They bought lunch and sat down at a table.
“So why do you work in the kitchen here?” Ender asked. David replied, “I guess it gets me out of the house.” “What’s so bad about being around the house? I would love to spend more time around my house with my sister and my parents.” Ender asked slowly. David replied, “Well… my house just isn’t that much fun to hang out at.” Ender noticed he used a really hesitant voice and paused once or twice saying it, but didn’t make a comment. David was eating ravenously, and Ender was sure that if he didn’t slow down, he would get sick. “Why are you so hungry today?” he asked. “Well… I guess I’ve just been working hard.” David said hesitantly. Ender decided there was something suspicious about David, but wasn’t sure yet. He decided to ask David some more questions the next time he saw him, but he had to go. “Hey David I have to go back to class, we should eat lunch together again tomorrow.” “Sounds great!” David exclaimed. “Okay, and if there is anything you need, ask me and I’ll try to help you out. It was nice to meet you.” Said Ender. “Thank you. And I am glad I met you too.” David replied. Ender started to walk back to class, and as he looked back he realized that David looked the happiest he had ever seen him, even when just working in the kitchen. Ender smiled and walked back to class, thinking about his new friend, and wondering why he was so suspicious. He decided he would find out the next day.
I can definitely tell where and what needs improvement. But I am going to be fair. so, to start, it sounds good, I like it. It gets into details not many other people reach. A great line.."David was eating ravenously,.." and paying closer attention to 'ravenously'..nice descriptive vocab. This is like one of those stories you'd want to read on and on forever. Very capturing. Looks good!
ReplyDeleteI felt that you had a really good idea of where to place these two characters together so it wouldn't seem farfetched. The coversation seemed authentic, I believed that the characters were always like their personalities. I liked how it also ended with Ender thinking about what was wrong with David, if someone hadn't read the book with David in it, it would really intrigue them.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the use of the word 'ravenously'. It really tells you a lot about the character and where he comes from without really talking too much about them.
My main problem with your essay is it's too bunched up. It could benefit from being more paragraph formed, and maybe made a little longer. But I enjoyed it and it made me think more about the characters, which is something every author wants.
I thought this was a good story. But it did seem just a little short. it seemed like you could've added a little more on. But other then that it was pretty good.
ReplyDeleteOne sentence i did like in this story was “What’s so bad about being around the house? I would love to spend more time around my house with my sister and my parents.” I feel the same way. I would rather be at home then go to school. that's for sure.
I found a couple problems with this story. One is you should paragraph it, not too major but just a tip. Also you should look over grammar, I found some minor mistakes. Other then that though, there wasn't many mistakes.
After reading this story, i thought it was a very good short story. Nice job bud. Cheers
I think this story was good, but just as tommy gooney said, it was short. There could've been more there.
ReplyDeleteI liked the sentences interrogating David. Ender seemed a little less interested than I thought he would. It was fine though.
I think the conversation between the two very intriguing, but it lacked the interrogation that I hoped. It really seemed like Ender only half cared that something was strange about David.
One problem I had with the story was length. It was too short, and it didn't give the key details I'd hoped. I wanted more between them.
I think this story was definently good enough, but it definently could have been longer. It was a good story though!
Thanks guys. And Tommy, speaking of grammatical errors, you had a few in your comment.
ReplyDelete